Hurtful words, misunderstandings, injustices, and worse. These painful encounters can involve everyone from people we love dearly to complete strangers. Regardless, they all have the potential to wound our heart and mind, placing us in a position of anger, sorrow, and even extended periods of depression. Many of us get “stuck” here, unable to freely move forward, trapped in a relentless cycle of blame. The fuel for this emotional quagmire? Unforgiveness.
The seeds of unforgiveness are like weeds in our flower garden. When they first begin sprouting, they look like all of our treasured plants, but before we realize it, this insidious invasion has sprawled across our hard-earned source of peace and pride. If we do not address them immediately, they begin sending roots and tubers throughout our carefully groomed garden, making what was once beautiful and vibrant a sad and dreadful place. If they are not aggressively dealt with, the tenacious weeds will sap the nutrients from the more delicate flowers, eventually bringing death.
This is an apropos picture of what happens to our hearts and minds when we allow a wrong done to us to fester. If that hurt is not aggressively addressed, like weeds in our garden, that pain will begin to invade all areas of our emotional and mental space. Before long, the person who has wounded us has taken up residence in our minds as we replay the event over and over, sometimes to the point of obsession. The terrible irony is that the person who has done the wrong to us has likely never even given it a second thought. If they have, they undoubtedly justify it as something we deserved or provoked in the first place. Letting someone like this free range in our soul is unhealthy to say the least, and dangerous at its worst.
Unforgiven wrongs, when left unattended, eventually become something the Bible calls “a root of bitterness.” When this happens, the grace of God is inhibited from moving freely in our lives and the wound “grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). This root of bitterness will cause trouble for us and those around us—friends go through a divorce and cannot forgive their former spouse, soon children, family, and friends are put in the painful position of having to choose sides. Church members disagree on an important issue that divides the congregation, unforgiven words lead to a church split. Family members are ostracized, best friends become worst enemies, precious treasures are lost. Unforgiveness and bitterness reign.
Forgiving someone who has truly wounded us is one of the most difficult, painful, and frightening experiences we can have. Forgiving someone who has not taken responsibility for the pain they have caused us feels like a further violation of our soul. Forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge what they have done feels paralyzing to us, because of the injustice of it all. Nevertheless, being free of the poison of unforgiveness is life altering for anyone, whether faith is involved or not. However, for followers of Jesus Christ, it is an essential characteristic of our faith.
The central feature of Christian love and forgiveness is choice. When Christians are commanded in the New Testament to love one another, to love our neighbors, and, yes, even to love our enemies, it is about how we choose and has little or nothing to do with how we feel. When it comes to forgiveness, this is equally true. As it can indeed feel painful to love our enemies, it can feel every bit as painful to forgive someone who has deeply wounded us. Nevertheless, as we will see in the remainder of this article, we can indeed choose to forgive. Only by doing this will we honor God, obey Christ, and find personal freedom.
When Christians are faced with forgiving someone, there are five critical points to consider.
1. Personal Responsibility
As we consider the need to forgive someone who has hurt us, it is important that we evaluate the entire situation and consider whether or not we ourselves contributed to the pain that was caused. There are indeed times when we truly are the sole victim, when the kind of pain that was perpetrated upon us is beyond the scope of any personal responsibility on our part. These are the most horrific kinds of wounds any person can experience and often require a professional to help us work through the consequences of another person’s evil actions toward us (if this is true for you, I encourage you to skip down to point 5 before reading the rest of this article). However, very often the pain that we experienced by the actions of another may have been fueled by choices we made as well.
It is imperative for us who follow Christ to consider carefully what we may have done that added to the conflict. It is in these cases that we need to confess and repent of what we ourselves contributed and in humility seek the forgiveness of the other person involved, regardless of whether they do the same. When we are hurting, it is easy to place all the blame on the other person, but more often than not, we cast stones as well. This is not an uncommon experience in marital arguments, for example—we sit brooding, waiting for the other person to come seeking our forgiveness, while never considering our contribution to the problem.
This is when we must consider the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, “Before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s eye, remove the board that is in your own eye. When you have done this, you will be able to see clearly how to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). In this powerful lesson, Jesus acknowledges that there is indeed a speck in our brother’s eye that does need to be removed, but he reminds his followers to carefully self-evaluate before assuming that we have the moral high ground. It is true, there may be nothing of which we need to repent, it may indeed have been an action perpetrated against us with no instigation of our own, however, it is important that we prayerfully consider whether this is so or not, and if not, we must choose to seek the forgiveness of the one we injured as well.
2. Forgiveness and Reconciliation
As odd as it may sound, it is important for Christians to remember that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is something that requires two people who are willing to forgive each other and restore the damage that has been done to the relationship. This is indeed something all Christians should desire. Once again, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, because they will be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9), a very powerful accolade indeed. The apostle Paul also admonishes us to “be at peace with everyone, at least as far as it depends on you” (Romans 12:18). However, regardless of whether the possibility of reconciliation exists or not, we can still make the choice to forgive.
Though reconciliation is the choice of two Christians, forgiveness can be the choice of one Christian. It must always be the prayer of Christian brothers and sisters who have either intentionally or inadvertently wounded each other to seek to forgive one another and pursue reconciliation. However, if one party does not, we are told by the Lord Jesus that we are to “do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12). It should go without saying that if we have wounded another brother or sister in Christ, we would certainly want them to forgive us—we must choose to do the same, whether they make that choice or not. Reconciliation is the desired outcome, forgiveness is the required choice.
3. Self-Awareness
The parable of the unforgiving servant is a story told by Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew and pictures what it looks like when a person has a complete lack of self-awareness regarding the forgiveness of his own sins when he encounters someone who has sinned against him.
“A king decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. One of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold to pay the debt. But the man cried and begged the king, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ His master was filled with mercy and released him, forgiving his entire debt. However, when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few hundred dollars and grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant begged him for a little more time, but the servant who had been forgiven so much would not wait and had the man arrested” (Matthew 18:23-30).
For Christians, a key component to being able to forgive is a true self-awareness regarding how much we ourselves have been forgiven by God. It may sound like a stale Christian cliche to say Christians must forgive because of how much we ourselves have been forgiven, but this truth is not merely a Christian platitude. Even the best of us, who practice our faith consistently and carefully, regularly struggle with thoughts and behaviors that are not honorable to God—it is this fact that must generate within us a consciousness of our own failures when we are confronted with the need to forgive another person. How terrible it would be to have to frame our own lives in the context of this unforgiving servant we just read about.
The apostle Paul identifies himself as a blasphemer and a persecutor of the church whom God had mercy on and on whom he poured out his grace abundantly. Consequently, Paul describes himself this way, “I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life” (1 Timothy 1:16). The sins we have committed may not rise to the level Paul describes here, but this honestly does not matter, all of us have sinned and fallen short of what God demands (Romans 3:23), all of us are worthy of nothing more than condemnation (Romans 6:23), and it is only by the grace of God and his willingness to forgive us in Christ that enables us to be in a right relationship with him (John 3:16).
Because this is so, the apostle Paul admonishes us to “forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32) and to “bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another—forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). How has the Lord forgiven us? Freely, generously, and thoroughly. Choosing to forgive someone who has wronged us, when placed within the context of how much we ourselves have sinned against God and been forgiven nonetheless, places our obligation to forgive others in the right spiritual context for those who follow Jesus.
4. Warnings Regarding Forgiveness
One of the most precious and powerful truths about being a follower of Jesus Christ is the freedom we are given to rest in the forgiveness and reconciliation we have with God. To be at peace with the creator of every star in the universe and every cell in our bodies is unsurpassed by any human desire or experience. Because of the work of Christ on the cross we have been redeemed, forgiven, reconciled, justified, adopted, and promised a destiny with God forever. These are the promises we hear about so frequently from our pastors, small group leaders, Sunday School teachers, and the books that we read, and rightly so. However, when we take these truths for granted and fail to live our lives as followers of Jesus in light of them, God does not take this lightly.
In the parable we considered in point 3 above, we did not finish the story. I left us with the proverbial cliffhanger, the servant who is forgiven so much has his fellow servant arrested. However, the story does not end there—Jesus continues, “When other servants saw what happened, they went to the king and told him. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you begged me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison until he had paid his entire debt” (Matthew 17:31-34). Jesus then concludes his parable with this ominous warning to his disciples, “This is what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart” (v.35).
This is not the only place Jesus has such warnings. When the disciples ask Jesus to teach them how to pray, Jesus then speaks what has become known as “The Lord’s Prayer.” We have all likely read it or recited it many times, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matthew 6:9-13). Of all of the powerful truths in this prayer, it is only forgiveness that Jesus immediately reiterates to his disciples with the following warning, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:13-14).
As followers of Jesus Christ, we are not accustomed to hearing messages that carry stiff warnings when it comes to our relationship with God. Even so, such warnings are abundant throughout the New Testament, and it is the better part of wisdom for us to take them seriously. A powerful theme throughout the New Testament is that we who follow Christ are to give out what we take in. We are to share our faith with others, we are to share our goods with others, we are to love others, and, yes, we are to forgive others. When we are considering the choice of forgiving someone who has wounded us or not forgiving them, as followers of Jesus, these warnings about forgiveness must be factored into our decision making. When we consider these powerful words of Jesus, choosing to forgive another person must become inevitable.
5. Trusting God
A significant reason so many of us struggle with forgiveness, especially those of us who have been wounded very deeply, is the idea that the person who has perpetrated such harms against us (or someone we love) should get away with it, get off scot-free, so to speak. It is hard to imagine anything causing more pain to someone who has already been gravely injured than the thought that their perpetrator will be held to no accountability whatsoever. Forgiving this person feels like we are letting them “off the hook” for what they did to us, even making it feel like it was somehow “okay.”
For Christians, this idea can be especially troubling. We have a deeply rooted faith in the grace of God, understanding that grace is freely given to anyone who truly seeks him. This thought can be profoundly disturbing when we consider the one who has wounded us being forgiven by God for what he has done to us. Christians also have a deeply rooted conviction that anyone, if they truly repent and turn to God, can be forgiven, no matter how dastardly or wicked their sin. These two Christian doctrines can feel like sharp knives in the heart of the one who was the target of the evil actions.
This feeling is not unfamiliar to the writers of the Bible, they too, wondered about what felt like injustices to them. The Prophet Jeremiah wrote, “Yahweh, you always answer me when I bring my concerns to you. So, let me bring you this complaint: Why are the wicked so prosperous? Why are evil people so happy? (Jeremiah 12:1). Job laments, “Why do the wicked prosper, growing old and powerful?I say he should punish the ones who sin, so that they understand his judgment” (Job 21:7,19).
In the Book of the Revelation, we are given a glimpse of our brothers and sisters in Christ who were persecuted to the point of death for no other reason than persevering in their Christian testimony. They, too, are longing for God to act on their behalf, “And when the Lamb opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony they had upheld. And they cried out in a loud voice, ‘How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge those who dwell upon the earth and avenge our blood?’” (Revelation 6:9-10).
To long for justice is a human trait that has been experienced from the very beginning of our fallen world. To long for justice is acceptable, but allowing this longing to become a hunger for vengeance and an obsession with revenge is self-damaging and dangerous. We can be assured, when we hand over our deepest pain to God, somehow, in his great wisdom and justice, those who have hurt us deeply will be held accountable by him. Even so, we need to be sure that our motives are right before God—it would be wrong for us to hand it over to him hoping for the worst possible outcome for the person who has wounded us. Releasing our pain to God is not about achieving the ultimate revenge, it is about knowing God will indeed exercise his sovereign justice on our part—just as he promises.
The apostle Paul affirms this for us, “Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: ‘Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:19). Paul reminds us immediately after quoting this verse (originally from Deuteronomy 32:35) that we are to treat our enemy with kindness, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink” (Romans 12:20). The apostle Peter also makes an incredible statement, “When they hurled their insults at Jesus, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23-24). Peter also reminds us that we are to follow in Christ’s footsteps, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps” (1 Peter 2:21).
As difficult as it may be, we are to surrender our desires for justice and vengeance to God. Because of his great love for us, his wounded children, he will indeed make things right in his time and in his way. We must love and trust him enough to release it to him. God knows every hair of our heads, and he indeed knows every pain that we have suffered. As we surrender this to him, he will use it to continue conforming us into the image of his Son, and, as he promises, he will be our great defender and restorer. Jesus entrusted his pain to his Father, we must choose to do the same.
In conclusion, it is essential that we who follow Christ remember that forgiveness is a choice we make and is not dependent on how we feel. We choose to be obedient to the commands of God regarding forgiveness, no matter how difficult that choice may be.
Regarding our first point, we must choose to review the circumstances that generated the painful event in the first place. If we are at all culpable, forgiveness must be something we ask for, as well.
Regarding our second point, it is important to remember that forgiveness can be extended whether the other person seeks to be reconciled with us or not. Typically, reconciliation is preferred, but is not necessary—we can still choose to forgive.
Regarding our third point, believers must be self-aware of the ways God has graciously forgiven us for the multitudes of ways we have failed him. This truth must guide our choices to forgive those who have wounded us.
Regarding our fourth point, it would be foolish for us to ignore or even neglect the warnings in the Bible regarding God’s commands for us to forgive others. It is difficult to hear this when we are already hurting, but it is critically important that we keep these commands in the context of how much we ourselves have been forgiven by God.
Regarding our fifth point, those of us who have been abused, abandoned, threatened, or worse, must rest in knowing that our Father will indeed hold our perpetrators accountable. We must choose to trust his love for us and his promises to us and release our desire for vengeance to him. Only by doing this will we ever be able to forgive those who have hurt us so deeply.
Lastly, remember that people do not have to desire forgiveness, be worthy of forgiveness, deserve forgiveness, or earn forgiveness—we are to forgive them as a choice to honor God and as an act of obedience to the Lord Jesus. God will honor our choice and will enable us to do this mighty thing.
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(C) 2024 D. Edwin Cohea/Coheasive Concepts.