How to Practice Agape Love
As followers of Jesus, it is important to understand that we experience and practice both concepts of love used in the New Testament—phileo, the more affectionate, familial kind of love, and agape, the love we have been discussing and is centered equally in the will and in the heart. As we have seen, phileo has many similarities to our English word, consequently, to love like this flows naturally. However, to practice agape love often feels unnatural and difficult, at least at first.
Again, it is essential that we remember that agape love is rooted in our will and as we study the Scripture and grow deeper in our faith, it will become easier and more natural to make choices that benefit others and please God. This is what the apostle Paul is referring to in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” As we turn from the world and pursue transformation by changing the way we think (renewing our minds), then, because we will be thinking more like God, we will have a much better understanding of His will—this is what will enable us to choose to do what is in the best interest of others.
Part of the reason so many Christians fail in the task of “speaking the truth in love” is because much of the American Church is fed on milk (the Bible’s way of saying “easy believism”) and not solid food (firm, biblical truth). I fear that the writer to the Hebrews would have these words to say to many in the churches of our country,
“Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:12-14).
Sadly, many churches are not equipping Christians with the tools necessary to actually study the Bible, nor are they teaching the Bible in such a way that mature Christians are being produced. Many Christians are embracing beliefs, values, and ideas that are clearly rooted in the world because they have not trained themselves in the Scripture well enough to distinguish good from evil.
According to the apostle Paul, Church leaders are called to equip the saints so that we will no longer be infants and will be able to resist the darkness of the world and be able to speak the truth in love (see Ephesians 4:11-16). As we grow deeper in our knowledge of the Bible and stronger in our faith, we will be able to make choices that are in the best interest of another and that will bring glory to God regardless of the personal costs to ourselves—this is the work of mature believers.
In First Corinthians, the apostle Paul gives a fabulous description of agape love, but what he writes is not for the weak of faith or the faint of heart. To love like Jesus loves, like the New Testament commands, is not a soft and fluffy feel-good love, but a down in the trenches, all in kind of love that only mature Christians can manifest. Because this is such an important passage, we are going to carefully analyze it.
In considering this passage, I encourage you to pay close attention to the fact that each of these expressions of agape love is based on a choice, and not a feeling. Again, agape love does not have to be devoid of feelings, but we do not have to feel a certain way toward someone in order to love them with agape love.
Agape is long-suffering – Many translations have patience here, but the actual Greek word used by Paul is a compound word that is better understood as long-suffering. Both words share similar definitions: maintaining self-control in spite of being provoked, annoyed, suffering misfortune or pain, and doing so without complaining, being irritated, or becoming angry. Long-suffering adds the element of doing so over a long period of time.
Agape is kind – Kindness is a precious word. There is a certain tender benevolence implied by this word. When I was young, my grandmother would always remind me to be nice to everyone…I always appreciated this, but as I raised my own children, I realized that “nice” was more of a behavior and “kind” seemed to emanate from the soul—so, with all due respect to grandma, I tried to raise my children with a heart to express kindness.
Agape does not envy – There is a subtle difference between envy and jealousy, but this Greek word shares elements of both. Agape does not resent or covet another person’s advantages, successes, or possessions. It does not dislike or is not unkind to someone simply because we think they have it better than we do.
Agape does not boast – The simplest way to think of this word is a “show off”—someone who needs to be the center of attention by bragging about their abilities, talents, or successes.
Agape is not proud – Many translations use the phrase, “puffed-up” here, and rightly so—this word comes from the same Greek word as “bellows,” the tool used by blacksmiths to blow air into the coal to make the fire burn hotter. We might call this person a “blowhard,” someone who always has a better story than everyone else.
Agape does not dishonor others – This is an interesting word in Greek—it means that agape does not act unseemly or improperly. We might think of this as behaving in a way that is appropriate to the situation—discerning what is needed and adjusting to that, as Paul writes in Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Agape is not self–seeking – This phrase is very straight forward—agape does not have to have its own way, instead, it has a certain spirit of deference. Paul describes this in his letter to the Philippians, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others” (2:3).
Agape is not easily angered – Some translations use “provoked” or “irritated,” all three of these choices are good for this word. This does not mean we can never be angry, there is an appropriate time and place for anger, what matters here is that love is not easily angered—that is in direct opposition to love being long-suffering. The person who comes to mind with this phrase is someone with a “hair-trigger,” regularly going off at the drop of a hat. Consequently, everyone around them is walking on eggshells.
Agape does not keep a record of wrongs – This is another very interesting word in the Greek—it is literally a bookkeeping term. It means to tally, to add up, to keep score. We all know someone who does this…every time there is a conflict, out comes the memories! Not only is it painful to have someone review our list of failures (either real or imagined) it is also an indication that forgiveness is not occurring—all of this makes relationship very difficult. Agape does not do this.
Agape does not delight in evil – This is a comprehensive word that covers many things, some of which are wickedness, wrongdoing, injustice, personal vengeance, iniquity, falsehood, deceitfulness, and crime. Agape does not celebrate anything from the “dark side,” so to speak. Instead, as Paul wrote to the Philippians, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (4:8).
Agape rejoices in the truth – There are two important words here with nuances worth mentioning. Rejoice is another compound word in Greek that literally means “sharing in God’s grace,” thus producing rejoicing. The imagery of celebrating God’s grace together is powerful. Secondly, the word truth here does not simply mean someone spoke the truth. Rather, it means that which is actual truth—universal truth, foundational truth, divine truth. In ancient Greece, this is the word used for reality, the opposite of illusion and delusion.
Agape always protects – The word for protect is very beautiful in the Greek. It literally means to cover, or to bear up. The idea is that agape is always safe, trustworthy, a refuge and shelter. A person who loves like this will have many friends willing to share their deepest wounds and fears. The English word protects often implies a kind of physical defense; this is not what this word is about.
Agape always trusts – The idea of this word is that agape encourages one to believe in another person. This does not imply blind loyalty, but rather a decision to consider the situation and make a choice to believe.
Agape always hopes – Agape is always anticipating the best outcome, the opposite of “waiting for the next shoe to drop.” God is sovereign and is working all things together for good” (Romans 8:28), therefore, a Christian should never be without hope.
Agape always perseveres – This word simply means that agape presses on and pushes through. Agape is courageous, tenacious, and relentless.
Agape never fails – Because agape perseveres, it also never fails. The word fails here has the meaning of collapsing, like a chair that cannot bear the weight of the one sitting in it. Agape is strong and can withstand even the greatest of pressures.
It is amazing how much powerful information is packed into these three verses of Scripture. Can you imagine the impact the Church would have if we collectively practiced what Paul has written here? As you can see, every element of agape described by Paul is specifically related to how we choose to respond. There is nothing in these verses that requires any emotional connection in order to carry out what is written here. This love requires humility, courage, and above all, a devotion to God who will enable us to actually carry out this high calling.
How Do We Practice Agape?
Now that we understand what agape love truly is, so many passages of Scripture make much more sense. Consider each of these commands of Jesus: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37); “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39); “This is my command: Love each other” (John 15:17); “Love your enemies” (Luke 6:27). Jesus is commanding his followers to love God, neighbors (strangers), other believers, and enemies with the very same love!
Over the years I have spoken with many Christians who are confused by the command to “love” our enemies, much less love our enemies the same way we love God! How are we supposed to feel the same way about those who hate us and the one who loves us most? Because, as we have learned, Jesus’ commands are not based on how we feel, but on how we choose. We cannot force our heart, soul, or mind to feel love for God, but we can choose to use all of who we are to do what is in God’s best interest—to live in a way that brings glory to him, and, as he cares for us, we will “fall in love” with him (see 1 Corinthians 10:31).
Again, we cannot force ourselves to have positive feelings of love for our enemies, but we can make choices that are in their best interest. When Jesus commands us to love our enemies, he gives us some ways to do so, “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28). Once again, we see that all of this can be done as an act of the will, regardless of how we feel. The apostle Paul reiterates the words of Jesus, “Do not repay evil for evil; if your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat, if your enemy is thirsty, give him something to drink” (Romans 12:17, 20).
Years ago, while pastoring a small church in West Michigan, I approached a driver who had broken down on the side of the road. I recognized the van as belonging to a woman who had done great harm to me in my church by circulating painful allegations that were patently not true. Nevertheless, as an act of agape, I pulled in behind her, walked up to her window, and asked if I could help in any way. She told me her husband had already been notified. As I pulled around her to leave, she waved and thanked me. Though in the past she had decided to be my enemy, out of a desire to please God and help her, I chose to be vulnerable and stop. I have no idea if this impacted her at all, but as I drove away, I knew I had pleased my Father.
Though agape does not require feelings to be effective, it cannot be fake either. The apostle Paul writes, “Love must be sincere” (Romans 12:9). Literally, “Let love be unfeigned or unhypocritical.” Of course, we can go through life as “do-gooders,” thinking somehow we are pleasing God because we are doing all the right things, but God, who knows our motivation, is not impressed when our intent is wrong. Our expressions of agape must be accompanied by other values important to God…mercy, compassion, justice, etc. The people you are serving will know also!
As we who follow Christ begin to love like this, we will once again begin leading people to the Savior, which is our primary task in this world (see Matthew 28:18-20). We have become too comfortable simply loving those who are “like us” because our love is based on how we feel; it is easy to love those who think and believe the way we do. About this, Jesus says, “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” (Matthew 5:46-47). This passage literally says, “If you agape those who agape you, so what? If you greet only your brothers, why would this be extraordinary?” Yet this is exactly what many of us tend to do.
The New Testament is chocked full of commands regarding the way Christians are to behave. As we learn to identify these and embrace them, we will become equipped to love the way Jesus expects. Let’s take a look at one brief passage as an example. In Romans 14:9-21, Paul lists several commands we are expected to embrace and manifest in our daily lives—notice how all of these enable us to practice agape in our lives.
Agape must be sincere.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in love (phileo – affectionate love).
Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope.
Be patient in affliction.
Be faithful in prayer.
Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.
Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.
Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.
If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat.
If your enemy is thirsty, give him something to drink.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
In these thirteen verses alone, there are no less than twenty-two commands the apostle Paul expected the Roman Christians (and us!) to incorporate into their lives and practice in their community—none of which require emotional attachments—the entire New Testament is filled with commands like these. As you can see, some level of spiritual maturity is necessary to make these a consistent part of the way we approach life and encounter people.
To love is the most essential command given to those who follow the Lord Jesus Christ…it is that which makes us most like him. To love as the New Testamnent demonstrates incorporates mercy, compassion, kindness, service, and so much more. As we learn to practice love in our lives, remember, when we choose to do what is in the best interest of others, God will give us all we need to do so, for his own glory. Amen.
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(C) 2015 D. Edwin Cohea/Coheasive Concepts.
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